Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
