my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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