i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
