when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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