my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
