4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Randomize
