I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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