This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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