My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
