My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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