I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize