Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
