I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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