We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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