Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
