The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
