Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
