literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I need to sanitize my soul.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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