dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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