Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
