why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
