I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
