If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
worst night to have a conscience
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
