I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
