Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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