I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You were trust falling into bushes
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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