before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
