This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
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