if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
