Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
