Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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