It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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