did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
