the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Randomize
