I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
