If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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