Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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