JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
worst night to have a conscience
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We have started to decorate penises.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
