Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
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