got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
