I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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