Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
