well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
