youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
