I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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