I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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