I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
