I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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