Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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