Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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