i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
