i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
a search helicopter?!
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
