Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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