I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
