If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
