He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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