I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Be still, my beating vagina.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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