I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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